


Silent Chambers of the Soul  Part 2

by Kellygirl



Category: Firefly
Genre: Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-03-07
Updated: 2003-03-07
Packaged: 2019-04-29 08:14:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14468589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kellygirl/pseuds/Kellygirl
Summary: The crew meets the new Simon.





	Silent Chambers of the Soul  Part 2

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Firefly’s Glow](https://fanlore.org/wiki/Firefly%27s_Glow), and was moved to the AO3 as part of the Open Doors project in 2018. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are the creator and would like to claim this work, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Firefly's Glow collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/fireflysglow/profile).

 

Silent Chambers of the Soul Part 2

## Silent Chambers of the Soul Part 2

### by Kellygirl

Silent Chambers of the Soul pt 2  
Notes: Thanks to Cabiria for the beta, Big thanks. Thanks to Joss and the Cast for giving us such wonderful characters to write about. Not mine, no money being made. Feedback will make me squeal and spin around like a 13-year old girl. 

After having Wash set a destination in for Hamlin, Mal gathers everyone in the kitchen. Kaylee's fixed breakfast, so he tells everyone to eat. Mal sits at the head of the table, Simon seated to his right. The rest take their usual places and begin to eat. They all look from time to time at Simon who just looks at his plate. He hasn't touched his food, just keeps his hands in his lap. Mal stares at him knowing he's got to be hungry. He frowns, and speaks. 

"Simon, aren't you hungry? I don't remember you eating last night." Everyone waits as Simon raises his head and looks at Mal and then looks longingly at his plate. He still doesn't eat only looks back at Mal. 

"Go ahead and eat." Mal curses silently when Simon smiles and starts to eat. Who the fuck taught the boy he couldn't eat without permission? Apparently he learned the lesson well. How long would it take him to learn he was free to do as he chose again? His eyes meet Zoe's and see the quick look she gives Simon before talking softly with Wash. Wash looks everywhere but at Simon. Kaylee looks like she's about to cry while Jayne is just frowning and eating quickly. Book looks at Simon then at Mal but his eyes hold no pity, only compassion. Inara acts like he has to give Simon permission to eat all the time. 

No one talks because no one seems to know what to say. Simon finishes and before Mal can suggest he get some more, Kaylee takes his plate and fills it again. She's sitting next to him so it doesn't seem like a big deal. 

"There you go. I made extra since I figured everyone would be hungry. Go ahead and eat as much as you want. Not often we get breakfast as good as this." Simon looks at Mal again and Mal nods his head. Simon frowns and doesn't eat. 

Mal sighs, "Simon eat all you want. You don't need my say so to fill your stomach." Mal wants to see if Simon will get mad at him or blush or say something sarcastic like he used to. He doesn't, just starts to eat, slower this time. 

The crew talks a little about Hamlin once Mal tells them they will be there for a few days and everyone is to relax and see the sights or do whatever they want. He wants to have a meeting and while Simon may not seem to care about what they will be discussing, Mal still wants him out of the room. 

"Doc? Why don't you go on down to the infirmary and have a look around. Book's been helping out but I always expect some lecture from him when I get hurt. You and River's belongings are stored in your old room under your bed." Simon nods his head but doesn't show any reaction to the mention of his sister or the infirmary, a place Mal knows the boy had more than a passing fondness for. 

When he leaves, the crew all look at him to see what he will say. Standing up, he takes his dishes to the sink. He turns around, leans against the counter and crosses his arms. 

"You can all tell by now that Simon is different than what we may have expected. He's had to adjust to certain things to survive and it appears that it may be awhile before he can believe that he's away from the life he was leading." 

Kaylee speaks up like Mal knew she would. He even knows what her question will be; probably what they are all wondering. 

"Did he say anything about River? Does he know where she might be or anything?" He doesn't say anything, trying to think of how much to tell them. He decides to just answer the question and the questions sure to follow as he sees fit. 

"No, no he didn't know. Fact of the matter, he hasn't mentioned River. I asked him last night about her and he didn't answer me. Acted like he didn't even hear me. He didn't believe me when I told him I was there to get him out." 

Silence greets that answer until Zoe quietly asks, "What do you mean, he didn't believe you? How did you get him out anyway?" 

He smiles and gives a short laugh. "I won him in a poker game. I cheated and the tavern owner who 'owned' him didn't have enough money to pay me, so I demanded Simon." He looks over his crew, daring anyone to make a fuss. When no one speaks up he nods and continues, "Apparently as part of coping with his life, he took to imagining certain things. Told me he conjured me up a few times and I always promised to get him out. So I show up and say almost the exact same things he had me say in his imagination. He didn't really believe it was all real until he saw Serenity." He paused and didn't have long to wait. 

Jayne speaks up, "So you're telling us that he's now a nutjob just like his sister? How in hell we supposed to find her then? Hard enough chasing after him and how come I find it scary that he ain't mentioned her? Was always frettin and worryin about her and now he actin like he don't remember her?" 

Before Mal could respond, Inara's soft voice intervened, "He might have had to try and not think about her in order to cope. I mean, given what we know about Simon, he probably tried to escape a few times and get to her but was caught. People in the habit of owning other people don't take that kind of rebellion without doling out some tough punishment. No telling what was done to him." She shifts in her chair, not wanting to get into a further explanation as to what kind of punishments Simon was probably put through. 

Mal nods and asks her, "Any ideas of how we can make him discuss her without making him crazy, or more crazy?" 

Inara shakes her head, "It all just depends on him, really. How much he can handle and when he can handle it. Just keep bringing her up and see what he does. But I do know that when he lets himself talk about her he might have some sort of meltdown. Everything may come rushing out at once." She lifts her eyebrows; "I don't envy you trying to calm him down when that happens either." 

Mal frowns, "Why does it have to be me?" Seeing the disbelieving looks on his crew's faces, he clarifies, "I mean I don't know how to council to nobody." 

Again Inara shakes her head, "Mal, you are the one that bought him, he already looks to you to see how to act, plus you're the one who rescued him. He may not realize it yet but that's going to make him look to you for support. Plus, before he was kidnapped, you were the authority figure. It's going to be you." 

Mal sighs, and asks, "Anybody else got anything to add?" 

There is no response from the rest. "OK everybody go on and do your chores. When you run across Simon just treat him like...I don't know like he just got out of the hospital or something." 

Everybody splits up and Mal heads for the infirmary. It's empty when he gets there and so are the rooms Simon and River used to stay in. He wonders where Simon has gone off to and decides to check his own room. Climbing down the ladder he stops and stares at the man lying on his bed. The naked man lying face down on his bed. Mal thinks he might be asleep but he's not sure. 

Even with the dim light in his room, he can see thin scars on the back of Simon's thighs. They look like whip marks. His back is untouched, along with the rest Mal can see. The bottoms of his feet show faint traces of burn marks. Undecided as to what to do, Mal slowly approaches Simon and sits down beside him on the bed. Simon shifts and turns over on his side. He looks at Mal quickly then lowers his eyes. 

Mal asks, "What are you doing in here Simon? I told you to go to the infirmary. Did you look at you and River's stuff?" 

Simon keeps his eyes lowered and murmurs, "Yes I did, but I figured you'd want me to come here so we can talk and you can tell me your rules." He places a hand on Mal's leg, gently rubbing it. "Then I thought you would want to get to know me better." 

Mal stops the stroking hand by placing his hand on top of Simon's. He clears his throat, remembering a similar situation with a scheming fake wife. "There ain't going to be no getting to know each other better, Simon. I'm not going to demand anything like that from you. As for my rules, they'd be the same as before, when you first boarded my boat. You just concentrate on being a doctor and telling me where I might be able to find your sister." 

At the mention of his sister, Simon stills and all signs of life leave his face. He looks angry and Mal wonders if now is when he should push some more. "Simon, we been trying to check if the Alliance has her but we ain't sure. I don't think they do but if you can tell us what happened after ya'll were taken from the hill folk, maybe it'd help us find out who has her." Simon rolls over and faces away from Mal. 

"If we're not going to fuck can I put my clothes back on?" Mal spots the brown leather pants folded on a chair. He crosses the room and brings them back to Simon, who puts them on hesitantly. "I wonder if I can fit into my old clothes?" 

Far as Mal can see, Simon is thinner than he used to be so he shouldn't have any problems. When he mentions this to Simon, he shakes his head, running a hand through his hair. 

"That's not what I meant. I-I mean I'm not the same person who used to be comfortable in those clothes. I've changed so much." He laughs but it sounds bitter, "I guess I should be happy I've got clothes in the first place. The first man who bought me kept me naked for three weeks while he proceeded to train me." 

Mal waits and looks at Simon's back since he's now sitting on the other side of the bed, facing away from him. He wants to interrupt because he suspects what is coming next but he won't. The boy had to live through it; least he can do is listen. The gold in Simon's collar reflects the light in the room as Simon whispers, perhaps caught up in memories that will always be a part of him. 

"See, I tried to escape two nights after he bought me. I could barely walk after...after...well after he had gotten through with me but I was so determined to get out of there. I didn't care if I had to crawl out, but I made it. I made it to the docks of that town and then was dragged back to him. He stripped me in front of his household and beat me for a few hours. Then he showed me my new room; it contained a mattress, a sink and a bucket. I stayed in that room most of the time, driving myself insane with worry and fear. Only time I was let out was to go to his room. He'd entertain himself for a few hours, listening to me scream and beg, then feed me and throw me back in that room." 

Mal listens and does a timetable in the back of his mind, knowing he will find time between jobs to track this man down and kill him. Most likely slow, with plenty of screaming. He continues to listen to Simon who is still turned away from him. His voice doesn't shake and it doesn't sound like he's upset or angry. It's just flat, no emotions in it at all. 

"I tried again after I learned to obey his rules. He gave me some clothes, gave me a better room and basically treated me about as well as he treated his other pets." An emotion flashes briefly across Simon's face but Mal sees it and recognizes it; utter contempt. 

Simon continues talking, "He seemed shocked that I would want to leave him. I had been there for about ten weeks. He beat me and sold me to a trader passing through." 

Mal watches as Simon gets up and wanders slowly around the room, thumbs hooked into the front belt loops of his pants. He appears relaxed but it's an act. Mal knows this because he can do the same thing; it gives other people a false sense of security. 

"I don't know what to say to you Doc. All the hoping and wishin in the world won't change what you been through. Only thing I can do is give you back your freedom and find your sister." He gets up and walks slowly towards Simon. "Why won't you talk about her? She was your entire existence and now you act like I'm talking about a stranger." 

Mal notes that again all signs of emotion leave Simon's face. It blanks like a sheet pulled over a dead body. The younger man shakes his head, runs his hand through his hair and strolls toward the ladder leading out of Mal's room. 

"I'm going to take a walk around the ship, maybe get something to drink. Is that alright?" Simon asks, before touching the ladder. 

Mal nods his head and tells him he can go. He needs time to think and wants a shower. He just hopes he's let Simon know he isn't giving up on trying to get him to talk about River. 

Inara and Kaylee are on their way to the kitchen when they see Simon leaving the Captain's quarters, wearing nothing but a pair of pants. He spots them, and smiles. Inara hears Kaylee gasp beside her but she's busy looking at the malicious glint in Simon's eye. 

She's not looking forward to talking to Simon. Even with all her training she isn't sure if she will be able to hide her reactions to him when and if they talk one on one. She knows that he may lash out at her because she chose the life she now has. He didn't, and it will be painful for him to know she has control of who uses her body when he did not. She and every other Companion at the Academy had to take classes about the type of people that he's been in the company of, for the past year. She has a pretty good idea of what he's been through and just like at the Academy she knows she may not be able to keep the pity from showing on her face. 

Right now they're not alone and she only quirks an eyebrow at Simon's smile. She tries not to look at the gold and leather collar around his neck. It's noticeable because it's supposed to be, and she hates that she has to see it on a man she used to call a friend. When no one says anything she darts a glance at Kaylee's pale face and sighs. 

Kaylee's still in pieces over Simon. Her crush on him before he left the ship had made her so quiet for a few weeks after he and River disappeared. She eventually started acting like her old self and their continued search helped. Inara knows that Kaylee was holding onto the small hope that Simon would still be like he used to be. He's not and she and Kaylee are about to meet the new Simon. 

Simon leans against the bulkhead next to the Captain's entrance. He doesn't appear to be embarrassed about his lack of clothes. "If you all were looking for the Captain, I'm afraid he's taking a nap. He seemed tired." 

Inara notes that he doesn't come out and say he and the Captain have been having sex but his words and body language heavily imply it. He looks her briefly in the eyes then looks at Kaylee. He frowns and steps closer to them. He seems regretful but Inara sees he's not. 

She grabs Kaylee's elbow before she speaks, "No we we're just going to the kitchen. Did you get a chance to look at your and River's belongings?" He shrugs and seems to dismiss them, but Inara knows he hasn't. 

"Well I'm going to go and get familiar with the ship again. If you two will excuse me." 

He smirks and gives a little bow. Kaylee gives a hesitant smile and moves toward the kitchen. She looks back when Inara doesn't move. 

"I'll be there in a minute Kaylee, you go on ahead." She sees Kaylee frown but continue on to the kitchen. Inara thinks about touching Simon's arm or shoulder but his body language is screaming that that would not be welcome. She clears her throat, 

"If you ever want to talk about anything Simon, I want you to know you can come and talk to me." Simon laughs and the sound is raw and mean. He moves closer to her but Inara doesn't back away. 

"Oh, you mean if I ever want to have a whore to whore chat I should seek you out? Maybe tell you all about my educational year abroad. So you can pat my head and tell me empty meanings and be thankful it wasn't you in my place? I think I'll pass but thanks. I appreciate all you're willing to do for me." 

He eyes her up and down, sneering, and Inara wonders if he will spit at her. But he just looks at her for another moment and walks away. Inara gives a small sigh in relief and feels sorry for the Captain. He has quite a job on his hands. The anger radiating from Simon could have singed the air. She continues to the kitchen wondering if he would have been that hostile if Mal had been standing there. 

Jayne is checking inventory in the cargo bay when he sees Simon walk down the stairs. He glances briefly at the half-dressed man before going back to his list. If he didn't know Simon was there he would have never heard the near invisible sounds he makes. But Jayne's been a mercenary for a long time and he likes being alive. He doesn't say anything and neither does Simon. When he's finished counting the box of crappy junk they're hauling, he looks up. Simon is staring at him from atop another box of already counted goods. His legs swing as he looks at Jayne. 

All the others acted surprised by Simon's actions at the table but Jayne knew he was different as soon as he stepped on the boat that morning. His walk was nothing like the way he used to walk. And while his posture was just as good as before, Jayne saw he wasn't nowhere near as straight-backed as when he'd first arrived with his sister sleeping in a box. 

Jayne feels for him and all he's been through but doesn't let any of it show on his face. He's even more cautious of this man than when he'd first met him. There is now an animal-like cunning to Simon that he had not possessed before. Jayne figures people pretty quick and the fact that Simon ain't mentioning his sister is sending out warning signals that Jayne knows better than to ignore. 

He frowns at Simon, "You want somethin or you just decide to try and make me uncomfortable." At Simon's look, Jayne smiles crookedly, "You figure everybody on the ship's gonna be all silent and embarrassed and full of pity for you. I didn't like you before you got snatched by hill folk and I don't like you now." 

Simon laughs and jumps down off the crate. Jayne watches him walk toward him and smirks. He's seen a walk like that before and knows Simon is about to try and shock him. He's right as Simon stops in front of him and looks lustfully at Jayne's body. 

"I figure a man like you has appetites. Why don't we go to your room and fuck?" The only reaction Jayne gives him is a sneer and a laugh. 

"Shouldn't you be asking the Captain for his permission before you invite yourself to my room?" Jayne has no intention of touching Simon, but he's curious as to how Simon will react. Simon moves closer, into Jayne's personal space. 

"Well, you could ask him if you can borrow me for awhile. I'm sure he wouldn't mind. I mean, he wants to keep you happy right?" 

Jayne's been around a lot of people that have tried to manipulate him and the implication of doing what Simon suggests makes Jayne feel briefly sorry for the Captain. The man had told them and showed them he was a fuckin genius before he got kidnapped. Back then his agenda was keeping his baby sister out of Alliance hands and curing her craziness. Jayne figures that in the past year Simon has had to use his body and his advanced smarts to get people to do his bidding. 

If Jayne was some poor bastard, half a shy dumber, he might do what Simon is suggesting. Of course, the Captain would most likely shoot him or kill him, and Mal wouldn't be alone. The happy remark would also work on someone who might just need a little push to shoot the Captain in the back when he refused the borrowing of his whore. Either way, Simon would have someone out of the equation that he saw as a danger. Jayne's trying to figure out what to tell Simon when Mal's voice interrupts them from the catwalk above. 

"Simon? Thought you were going to get something to drink?" Simon steps away from Jayne and lowers his head. 

"I was on my way there." 

Mal just tells Simon to look up. When he does, Mal tosses him the shirt he was wearing earlier. "Put your shirt on, before you catch cold." Simon puts it on, looks at Jayne briefly and walks away. Jayne waits a moment after his footsteps fade away. 

"How much did you hear?" 

Mal walks down the stairs and comes over to where Jayne is standing. 

"Heard him tell you to ask me, just that part." Jayne looks at him. "You know he's dangerous, don't you?" 

Mal sighs and nods his head, "Yeah, but he's got a free pass for a few days while I try and figure him out. Tonight he is going to tell me about River if I have to tie him down." Jayne grunts and takes out his knife. He likes the simplicity of it, of what it can do. 

"Goes that way, we won't be getting much sleep tonight." He walks off, thinking of what he's going to do when they get to Hamlin, kick some ass, and maybe get laid. If he can find someone whose eyes aren't full of hatred, anger, and sadness like Simon's. 

After a dinner with very little talking, Mal decides it's time to confront Simon hard and fast. He has a brief chat with Wash about how long it will take to get to Hamlin and afterwards, he finds Simon standing in the middle of the infirmary, not moving, barely breathing. He looks so lost and confused. Mal says his name and can see the mask that comes over his features. 

"Why don't you come on down to my bunk?" He goes on ahead and a few minutes later Simon climbs down the ladder. Mal locks his door and turns to look at Simon. He looks tired and Mal wants to let him rest. But they need to know what he knows about River's last whereabouts. He leans against his ladder and asks, "Why don't you tell me about what happened with you and River and the hill folk. They couldn't tell us much, claimed they didn't know who took you. Just that River was a witch and you had stepped up to be burned alive with her." 

Mal watches Simon tense up and look around for an escape. He knows the lure of his body won't work and that he's not getting past Mal to get out of the room. He throws himself down in a chair. 

"Don't really feel like discussing that subject. Sure you don't want to hear about my many and various adventures in the past year?" He lowers his head and heatedly says, "I mean it's partly your fault. After your insistence that we go into town and everything." He angrily mocks Mal, "Don't worry, we won't leave without you." 

He still won't look at Mal, and he wants to tell Simon to look at him but figures he soon will. 

"We saw Serenity leave while we were being led to that oh so lovely town." He looks up, and there is so much anguish in his gaze that Mal wants to look down, but he doesn't. He looks into the eyes of the man he left behind. Makes no difference now that he came back. 

"I put my life in your hands, and the life of the only person left that I loved. You abandoned us!" He's standing up now and Mal's glad there are no weapons in his reach. "Oh I know the whole situation from Book. How he was shot and how you sent Wash to find us. That's why I say it's partly your fault. If not for that, I would try and kill you right where you stand. Still might." Mal nods his head at the threat but doesn't comment on it. 

"Can you tell me anything that might help us find your sister?" 

Simon turns his back, whispers, "What if I don't want her found? I'm in no condition to help her. There's a big chance she's dead or back in Alliance hands." 

Mal steps closer, "Then everything you went through this past year is for nothing! Damnit Simon! I can't ever make up for what you went through, but you were part of my crew, part of me. If you don't do everything you can to find her, then for the rest of your life, you're going to wonder what happened to her. It's going to eat you up. Do you want that? Just to give up without even trying to help us track her down? She was your entire existence and maybe it will give you peace to know where she is." 

Simon turns suddenly and slams a fist into the side of Mal's face. Mal staggers at the force behind it, then backs up to avoid the kick aimed for his private parts. He doesn't want to hurt Simon but maybe he can give him a way to vent some of the anger and pain he's feeling. He moves back as Simon moves in towards his body. When he's close, Mal aims a fist towards his shoulder. Simon blocks his arm and lands a left fist to his mouth. Mal adjusts quickly to a Simon that apparently knows how to fight. 

He fakes a kick and when Simon goes to block he moves closer and punches him in the stomach. He backs up and doesn't have long to wait as Simon tackles him, ramming a shoulder into his ribs. Mal goes down taking a small table with him. Simon lands on top of him and punches him in the throat. Gasping, Mal throws him off harder than he means to. Simon flies across the room, hitting the edge of Mal's bed. He doesn't move and Mal goes over to kneel beside him. He's unconscious and Mal feels for a pulse. 

It's strong, and Mal lets out a sigh of relief. Then coughs at the soreness in his throat. He goes over to the comm and buzzes Jayne's room. Although it's the middle of the night his voice comes through like he's been waiting. Probably was, Mal thinks. 

"Come to my room and help me get Simon over to the infirmary." He cuts him off and buzzes the shepherd. Book has taken over some of the doctoring in the past year. Mal asked him once if he used to be a doctor and he'd just laughed and said no. He'd just spent some time around them. Book's voice comes through alert. Mal tells him to get to the infirmary so he can do a scan. Jayne pounds on his door and he unlocks it. When he climbs down he looks around the room. 

"Guess you all were working through some issues huh?" He looks at the bruises starting to form on Mal's face and points out, "Looks like doc learned to fight." Mal lightly rubs his sore jaw. 

"Yeah, he did at that. Let's get him to the infirmary." 

They manage to get Simon up the stairs and to the infirmary. Book's there and he has the scanner ready. They lay Simon down and Mal is relieved to see there's no internal bleeding in Simon's head. Book gives him something to wake him up and tells Mal there's no concussion so when he feels like it he can go to sleep. He turns off the machine and leaves, knowing now is not the time to ask the Captain any questions. Mal stares at Simon, waiting for him to wake up. 

He'd called him a kid when he first came on Serenity, but he wasn't. The situation with his sister had made him question everything and everyone around him and had wiped any last remains of being a kid from him. Not many from money would have challenged the government like he did or succeeded in keeping out of the Alliance's hands for as long as he had. 

Simon wakes slowly and looks at Mal. He puts a hand to his head and sits up. "Hmm, guess you didn't kill me?" He looks around, sees Jayne standing by the door. "Too bad, that's what I was going for you know?" 

He doesn't say anything else and Mal doesn't like the thoughtful look in his eye, especially after that last statement. 

"Come on, I want you to sleep in my bunk tonight." 

Simon looks at him and winks. "I knew you couldn't resist me for long, Captain." 

Mal leans in and gets right in his face. "I have no intention of fucking you, Simon. But after that statement about wanting to die, I think I need to keep an eye on you." He looks over at Jayne. 

"I probably won't get much sleep tonight. You or Zoe can watch him in the morning, Dong ma?" Jayne nods his head and leaves. Mal waits until Simon stands and moves towards his room. Mal follows him. 

Back in his room, Mal tells Simon to lie down and get some rest. He sits in a chair and takes out a book. The silence is uncomfortable but it doesn't bother Mal. He wants to lie down in his own bed but he knows Simon will either try to seduce him or kill him. Might as well stay in the chair. Simon speaks and Mal can barely hear him. 

"I hate myself. I failed in the simple goal of keeping my sister safe. She's out there alone and now all I want to do is crawl over to you and make sure you don't decide to beat me or hand me off to people who will try and tear me up from the inside out." 

Mal doesn't say anything and tries to ignore his body's thoughts on a very willing Simon who will do any and everything he says. Simon sniffs and Mal knows he's crying. 

"I hated every minute of having sex with all those people. I hated that my body responded to it, I hate that there seems to be something about me that made those people want to twist me up and humiliate me." 

Mal hears the bed squeak and bounce and opens his eyes. Simon is sitting in the middle of bed, wearing a pair of soft white cotton pants. His knees are drawn up, and his chin is resting on his arms that are curled around his knees. His face is wet and Mal watches Simon touch his wet face. He seems amazed. Mal wonders how long it's been since Simon cried. 

"But you know what the most frightening part of all this is? That this is what I'll always be. A pretty whore that only knows how to scheme and plot to get things his way. I mean, I learned the lesson pretty quick that if I wanted to stop the beatings and the pain I had to make sure situations I found myself in were where I had the most advantage. I've only been a doctor to about fifteen people in the past year. How am I supposed to be that Simon again?" He looked at Mal and Mal notices that the look is one the old Simon had given him many times in the past. It was a searching look, one where someone is trying to see into another person's soul. It made him relieved that Simon was doing it. He doesn't move as Simon scoots to the edge of the bed and lets his feet rest on the floor. 

"Why don't we make a deal? I tell you who took us from the crazy hill people and you use that information to track down River. If we find her, I'll make a concentrated effort to help her and myself. If we get proof that she's dead, you let me kill myself. How's that sound?" 

Mal blinks, then blinks again. He can't believe the offer Simon just made. It's crazier than his earlier attempts to get Mal to screw him. And he says the offer so calmly, like he'll wash dishes if they find River alive, or if not he'll wash clothes. Mal shakes his head. 

"Your life ain't something I feel like gambling with, doc. I'm not going to make that kind of deal with you." Mal eases back in his chair. "Now give me a recollection of what happened to you and your sister." 

Quick as Mal can breathe, Simon is leaning over him, arms trapping him in the chair. He thrusts his face directly in front of Mal's until there is only an inch of space between them. 

"No, you make the deal first. You were right earlier, I have to at least try and find River. It's been a long, long time since I let myself even think of her, much less contemplate the two of us ever seeing each other again. If we get her back then I'll have something to work for; if not, then I really don't see me giving a damn about anything, ever again." 

He pauses and closes the inch that separates them and lightly kisses Mal on the lips. Before Mal can re-act he leans back and heads for Mal's ear. He tugs at it gently with his teeth then whispers. 

"I got more than a year old memory of who took us. I got a name and once I tell you who it is you'll know exactly where to find this person." 

Mal suddenly realizes that Simon is straddling him and gives a little jump when Simon grinds down against certain awakening and interested body parts. Mal makes a move to push Simon off his lap but Simon does some sort of twist and press movement with his hips that makes Mal's breath catch and his eyes almost roll into the back of his head. Simon leans forward and presses his mouth onto Mal's. 

It only takes Simon a moment to snake his tongue inside and Mal's resolve weakens even more. His body is clamoring for him to just fuck the warm, willing body on top of his and forget everything else. Simon's tongue is hot and slick and Mal is thrusting his tongue into Simon's mouth before he again tries to gather some control and stop this before it goes any farther. He manages to push Simon away but his relief is short lived as he feels a hand unbuttoning and unzipping his pants. 

He groans when a warm hand touches him and starts to slowly stroke his hardened erection. Mal closes his eyes and lies his head back, knowing he's only about a few strokes away from coming. It's been too long a time for him, even with just his hand for company. Simon is too good at what he's doing and Mal gives in, hating himself for it. His hands don't move as they rest on Simon's hips. He moves them to the arms of the chair and clutches at them as hard as he can. Simon's mouth is back on his and he doesn't resist, just thrusts his tongue deep into Simon's mouth. His hips rise and seek out the other man's hand as it steadily brings him closer to orgasm. He feels Simon unbutton his shirt and run his hand over his chest. Fingers rub his nipples hard and he clenches his teeth as he starts to come. 

Mal's harsh breath is the only sound in the room and he opens his eyes. He looks at Simon, expecting to see a smug look on the other man's face. It isn't a smug look, just one of acceptance. Mal has never been one to just take his pleasure without making sure his partner gets some in return. He moves his hands back to Simon's waist and lets his right hand pull back the top of his pants. He reaches down and finds Simon hard and warm. Looking into his eyes he starts to jack him off. Simon is still as he accepts the hand stroking him. Mal can't tell if he's enjoying it or not but doesn't stop. He pulls him back down for a kiss and rubs his thumb over the top of Simon's erection. He shudders and with only a breathy gasp he comes. 

Mal pulls Simon's pants back up and lifts him off his lap. It helps that Simon goes willingly. Mal stands and buttons his pants. He heads for his shower and pauses before he gets there. 

"The answer is still no, Simon. I won't agree to just let you kill yourself." 

He gets no answer and he doesn't want to look back at the other man. He feels sick but knows he has to discuss what just happened between them. 

"I'm sorry for what just occurred. I should have stopped you because now I figure you're thinking I'm just like the rest of the people that have used you for the past year. I-I apologize and hope you realize I still want to help you, no strings attached." 

He strips quickly and takes refuge in his small shower stall. He lets the water hit his bruises and curses himself. How could he have been so fuckin weak? Now any progress he might have made with Simon is gone. Mal knew the boy was all turned around and he should have been stronger but it happened so quickly. One minute Simon's talking about killing himself and the next minute he's rubbin and kissin all on him. He turns the water as cold as he can stand it and bows his head down under the spray. Shivering he turns the shower off and grabs a towel. Walking back into the room he sees Simon has moved under some covers and appears to be asleep. 

He pulls on a tee shirt and a dingy pair of sleeping pants. He eyes the chair and the floor, trying to guess which one will be more comfortable. He decides on the floor, grabs a pillow and an extra blanket to curl around himself. He lies down and tries to go to sleep. After a few twists and turns he starts to drift off when Simon speaks. 

"River and I were standing on this scaffolding and I had just told those people to light the fire. I couldn't fight them all and no way was I going to just watch my sister be burned by a bunch of ignorant lunatics. Five men came out of the darkness on horses. They had guns and the leader just told the patron he would take his trouble away for him. When he laughed I knew we were in trouble. He said it was plenty of folks would pay for a man like me and not the Alliance either. Said he didn't deal with them because they would always stab you in the back. They took us away to a ship and I asked him who would pay for a doctor out here." 

"He just looked at me and laughed. Said they most likely wouldn't pay for my doctoring skills, but because I was a nice looking piece of highborn ass. Then he had me sedated when I punched him. The last time I saw River she was crying and that bastard was laughing and waving good-bye at me." He pauses and Mal looks up at him. Simon is staring at him, only his eyes and nose visible since Simon has the covers wrapped around him like a mummy. 

"We'll talk about me taking my own life when we get to that part of the plan. I won't bring it up again. Who knows, maybe I'll change my mind. But I want you to let me kill this man. I told him I would. Told him one day I'd come back and cut his dirty throat. Then I spit on him. I've had to bury all of this for a long time. Seems like at first it would drive me insane and I'm not saying I'm completely sane now." 

Mal studies him and the look in Simon's eyes reminds him of Jayne, which is just eerie as hell. His eyes hold no anguish or pain, just thoughts of delivering death to a man that sold him into a life of being a whore and maybe did the same to his sister. Mal sits up because what he's about to say is serious. 

"Then I promise you, Simon Tam, that I and mine will help you find this man. If you want our help to kill him then you have it. If you don't, then we will let you do it alone." Mal's look is fierce and he nods his head for Simon to tell him who this man is. Simon looks at him and gives him a small determined smile. 

"It was Badger." 

End Part Two 

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